To let it be

by - Friday, August 21, 2015

I think I overestimated myself.
I thought I am strong enough to contain whatever thoughts and emotions within me.
But, I am wrong.
As much as I try to believe in myself,
To always feel good about myself,
And to not get frustrated with myself easily..
I will eventually do the exact opposite.
I go ahead and blame everything on me.
Some say it's easier to blame other than oneself.
But it doesn't work for me that way.
Feeling bad, guilty, and frustrated with myself is actually.. easier for me.
So much easier.
Rather than blaming someone else,
Especially someone so dear to me.
I didn't know I was this vulnerable.
I have been very good with keeping my emotions together.
However.. not so much lately.
It's almost embarrassing
For many years, I have been building up walls around me.
Protecting me.
But bringing my guards down is what I do a lot now.
What if it is alright for me to do so?
What if.. it's alright for me to bring my walls down?
" To love at all is to be vulnerable.
Love anything, and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken.
If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one,
not even an animal.
Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries;
avoid all entanglements.
Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness.
But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change.
It will not be broken,
It will not become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.
To love is to be vulnerable"
-C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves.

...... I'm taking baby steps.
To open up little by little.
To not be so afraid of what everything has got to offer.
To feel less constrained.
To be just..
To just let things take its own course :)

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